08 July 2008

Walk the walk

On Saturday, Zeeba and I were out and about enjoying the beautiful weather and, unaccustomed as I am to actually using the bipedal locomotion that allowed me to come down from the trees and grow a larger brain - which, okay, thanks for that, evolution, but did you really have to take away my sweet-ass prehensile tail? Because, dude, that thing rocked! - I began to grow somewhat hungry. Apparently, walking around delightful neighborhoods requires the burning of more calories than merely sitting on the sofa, even if you do shift positions from sitting to slouching somewhat frequently. Who knew?

To slake our thirst and sate our hunger, we decided to stop for a late lunch at a place down the road a piece that we enjoy, particularly for their kick-ass nachos that come loaded with all manner of delicious edible components (not the least of which is a couple of kinds of cheese and fresh jalapenos) and then the whole thing is made melty toasty delicious in an oven or under a salamander or broiler or some such thing. They never give you enough salsa, though, but that would be picking nits (which is something I no longer have to do because my bipedal locomotion gave me an advanced brain that allows me to maintain proper hygiene, albeit at the cost of one very sweet prehensile tail, as I may have mentioned a paragraph back.)

We were shown to our table where we feasted on nachos and whatnot, and toward the end of the meal I excused myself to go off to the gents for to make wee (because I have a bladder the size of a pee) and, more importantly, to check my teeth for black specks. I don't know why this is the case, but no matter what I eat black specks seem to find their way into the tight little spaces between my teeth. I could be eating mashed potatoes or rice or a friggin' ice cube, and my teeth will have become magically populated with little black things. I hope it's not supposed to be my super power, because as super powers go this one sucks. Better I should have the ability to move things 3 inches to the left with my mind, or make green things turn red or something. Unless these black things are actually little seeds that will grow into diamonds under the right circumstances, I don't need them, the little bastards.

And naturally, as I looked in the mirror, there they were - sitting between the incisors, laughing and mocking. After a labored eviction I sent the little refugees scurrying down the drain, washed up, and headed back to the table.

I left the men's room at a fairly good clip, and as I stepped out the door I violated the first rule of bipedal locomotion: always look where you're walking. Instead of looking ahead, I twisted my head to the left to look over at the bar. There was a television over there, you see, and I am basically a magpie where bright and shiny is concerned, so the flicker of the cathode ray tube drew my eye like flies to shit, or some better analogy that doesn't mention shit. Or flies.

So as I barreled ahead without looking where I was going, a waitress (except they like to be called servers now) came running out of the kitchen carrying some drinks and CRASH!! I slammed right into her, sending the drinks flying across the room.

This would have been bad enough for any normal person, but I naturally had to make it worse. I slammed so hard into this poor woman - who I am certain was much smaller than me - that my natural response was to reach out to steady her so I didn't send her crashing to the floor as well, and before I knew what I was doing I had her in a bodylock with my arms wrapped tightly around her midsection.

This isn't us, but since I'm already making with the insect analogies, what the hell...

An Aside: This reminds me of a joke I once made to a waitress when I lived in Dallas. She came to the table near the end of our meal and we still had some food left so she asked, "Do you wanna box?" and I said, "Not really, but I wouldn't mind wrestling a bit." She didn't laugh. Now I see why. End Aside

Already mortified by the fact that I had a) struck this woman full-force, b) made a mess all over the floor, and c) caused a bit of a scene, I was struck with the sudden realization that I was in a very intimate embrace with a complete stranger. All this mortification temporarily shut down my complex evolved human brain like a possum under attack. I think I held her in this grapple hold for a lot longer than the situation called for (which, any amount of time over 3.2 nanoseconds is a lot longer than the situation called for), and when I finally realized, "Hey, I am totally violating this woman's personal space!" I put my arms up to and stepped back, muttering something with a lot of bilabial "b" and "p" plosives alternating with lingua-alveolar "d" plosives and probably a "giggity giggity goo" thrown in for good measure (making me look like an even bigger idiot - or a total perv - nice!)

The waitress must have felt sorry for the big pervtard because she said it was all her fault and went about cleaning it up (when I finally released my death grip on her) and I bolted back to the table to let Zeeba know we should probably just leave before the cops were called, and maybe find another favorite restaurant to go to from now on.

If this is what bipedal locomotion has to offer, I think I want my prehensile tail back!

And on the ride home, I had black things in my teeth. But I think that was from eating crow.

Oh, the humanity!

The Last Five:
I heard it on the radio - 27 July 2008
Happiness is... - 26 July 2008
Do bears shit in the woods? - 21 July 2008
Politics schmoliticks - 14 July 2008
words and pictures - 14 July 2008

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