12 June 2008

Pass the Dutch

Dutch Treat

A while back I read an article that started out:

Dutch researchers have found that women who are left-handed have a 40 percent greater risk of dying than their right-handed counterparts.

I hate to break it to the author, but whether you are right-handed or left-handed, woman or man, your risk of dying is one hundred percent. Unless, of course, he is saying that right-handed women are immortal?

And, of course, that must be the point of the article. Right-handed women do not die! And left-handed women, well, they only have a 40% chance of dying, so 3 out of 5 left-handed women must also be immortal.

No wonder women scare me.

Double Dutch

And while we're on the subject, I find the Dutch a little frightening, too.

On the one hand, Peter Minuit managed to buy all of Manhattan from the Lenape for $24 worth of trinkets. Granted, that was in 1626 dollars, but considering the cost of real estate on the island now? That was some savvy business dealing.

On the other hand, once the Dutch took control of the mace trade in the Molucca Islands from the Portuguese in 1602, the price of mace was so high and nutmeg so low that a Dutch official, unaware that mace and nutmeg came from the same tree, ordered growers to burn nutmeg trees and grow more mace. Then again, perhaps that's less a Dutch thing and more an idiot bureaucrat thing, but come on. Take an interest in the business, man! Learn how things work before you make decisions based solely on balance sheets. Idiot.

And on the third hand, which is less a hand and more a sort of malformed vestigial limb from a reabsorbed twin, there is this:

Now that? That is just scary.

Dutch Courage

And speaking of scary, I was sitting at work scouring through old emails from two years ago trying to establish a timeline for a cancer of a project that has been the bain of my existence for longer than I care to remember, and it was getting sort of late. Since I am heading south tomorrow to visit Zeeba for the weekend, I finally had to admit defeat so I could go home and pack, and as I was shutting down the computer I noticed that an email had come in while I was working.

The email was a tornado warning, telling everybody who was still in the building to evacuate to the designated safe area in the basement. (An email? Seriously? How many people in the building at that hour have access to email?)

I mulled it over for a second, and realizing that Kansas is closer to Zeeba than I am right now - and the worst case scenario would have the tornado plant me right down in a Kansas wheat field* - I decided to risk it and just jump in my car and head home.

As I left the building, there was just one tiny tornado hiding in the bushes near my car, but I was able to wrestle it to the ground and sit on its face until it ran away, crying.

And now I must pack, so stop bothering me, wouldja? Geez!

Dutch Uncle

*Actually, I guess tornadoes pick up in Kansas and drop off in Oz... and I wouldn't necessarily want to be dropped off in a wheat field, anyway. That would suck on account of the celiac sprue. But this last bit was all just filler, anyway, and it's my diary, so I'll say what I want. Now go back to looking at your filthy internet smut. I have things to do.

The Last Five:
I heard it on the radio - 27 July 2008
Happiness is... - 26 July 2008
Do bears shit in the woods? - 21 July 2008
Politics schmoliticks - 14 July 2008
words and pictures - 14 July 2008

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