26 June 2008

O Canada

Last October after not having had a vacation for, well, pretty much the whole year, I decided to go visit Canada for a week.

I've always had a soft spot in my heart (not to be confused with spongy myocardium) for Canada, although I don't know where this Canadaphilia comes from. Perhaps it is because I have a little Canadian blood running through my ~~stomach~~ veins (I am not a vampire.)

Or maybe it's because of shows like Corner Gas, which is quick and whimsical, and it feels Canadian (but not in that over-the-top way that something like Strange Brew feels Canadian.) The humor is dry and quirky and sometimes cerebral and sometimes slapstick and it never fails to tickle me. Allow me to quote from the show, in an attempt to stretch out this entry to a reasonable length:

Brent LeRoy: I'm not up on that new stuff.
Wanda Dollard: You're not up on it? Or you're not into it?
Brent LeRoy: I might be into it, if I was up on it. But I'm not up on it, so I'm not into it. What I'm into, I'm up on.
Lacey Burrows: I'm mostly into what I'm up on, but even though I'm not up on the new stuff, I'm sort of into it.
Brent LeRoy: I'm down with that.
Wanda Dollard: Prepositions are fun, aren't they?
Brent LeRoy: What's a preposition?

Hank: Hey, Davis just gave me a parking ticket.
Wanda: Yeah, he gave me one too, and I'm parked in the parking lot.
Hank: Yeah, well, I wasn't even parked. I was stopped at a stop sign, he came running out from behind a bush.

Davis: Fear is natural. It's what makes us human. It's what separates us from the animals.
Wanda: That, and opposable thumbs. And pants.
Hank: Rollerblading.
Wanda: Any kind of bipedal locomotion.
Karen: We can make fire. Animals can't make fire.
Hank: Well, if you don't count dragons.
Wanda: Actually, there's a lot that separates us from animals.
Davis: You had me at pants.

See? It's probably not even really that funny, but I just pissed my pants. Or at least went, "Heh!"

And, of course, (against my better judgment, of which I have none) I have been a big fan of the Degrassi since I first stumbled upon the show on PBS back when I couldn't afford cable television. It was quaint... badly acted, but heartfelt. Genuine, somehow.

I like the way they say, "aboot," instead of "about," and how they put "eh" at the end of everything. I like how they love their hockey, and that they eat poutine, and that they call a hat a toque. Canadians: the peace-loving, medical care for everyone-having, marijuana-legalizing, quirky, mellow, dry-humored people of the north.

Just before my vacation - which was in Vancouver - I had to go clear across the country to Lunenburg, Nova Scotia, for work. The air was crisp and clean - so clean I could actually breathe for once - the scenery was gorgeous, and the people were friendly. When our work was done, I went down to a local pub with my colleague where we had a few beers and some pub food (including poutine, thank you very much) and massacred the locals in a pub quiz, although they didn't seem to mind. And there was even a teddy bear on the bed in my hotel room!

Beautiful maritime Lunenburg.

I loved Canada even more, and really looked forward to my vacation.

And Canada proved to be as quirky as I suspected, and quite delightful - at first.

Quirky: Right outside my hotel was the famous Japa Dog cart, where I got a hotdog topped with nori (seaweed), wasabi mayo, teriyaki, and fried onions. It may sound a little off, but it was, in fact, a culinary masterpiece of street food.

Delightful: They have a one-dollar coin called a loonie, because it has a picture of a loon on it. And the two-dollar coin? A toonie. And the reason is the rhyme.

So, then, imagine my shock and horror to discover the truth about these Canadians! They are not the people I imagined them to be - a peace-loving and mellow people who stand around rhyming and eating strange and wonderful foods! In fact, quite the opposite - they are murderous! Vengeful! And kind of mean. I thought they were a peace-loving people, but while they speak out against war and claim to abhor the death penalty, take a look at this sign I saw while crossing a bridge over to the Granville Market:

Don't you think that's a bit severe? "No left turns, and if you do, you must take poison!" At least Socrates was found guilty of impiety and lack of propriety and corrupting the youth of Athens when he drank his cup of hemlock. In Canada, an illegal left turn is all it takes to condemn you to death!

I suppose it could have been a fluke, but then as I walked around Granville Market checking out the produce and the little fancy shops and such, I came upon a printmaker's shop. Curious to sample their wares, I tried the door - which was locked - and then I spotted this notice hanging on the door:

CLOSED FOR HANGING?! Are you shitting me? They closed their shop to attend an execution? It was probably taking place down the street in the park. I'll bet there were people walking on stilts, and jugglers, and maybe harlequins and mimes entertaining a bloodthirsty crowd! And the victim of this hanging probably just had an expired parking meter or something. Oh, Canada, you wretched, violent people.

I still love you.

The Last Five:
I heard it on the radio - 27 July 2008
Happiness is... - 26 July 2008
Do bears shit in the woods? - 21 July 2008
Politics schmoliticks - 14 July 2008
words and pictures - 14 July 2008

O Canada

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